I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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