You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
