wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
