Old men and throwing up are my life now.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
