i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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