probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
