why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize