She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
