Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
