You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
