who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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