he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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