I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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