I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
