I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
