I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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