Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
