wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
