Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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