Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
