Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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