We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
