i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Are we still banned from the library?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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