my room smells like sperm. sweet.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
