Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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