Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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