I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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