just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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