OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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