I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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