my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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