she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
