You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just cropdusted the office
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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