Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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