you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
