a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
