I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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