shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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