mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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