From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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