I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
