I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
