You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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