when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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