my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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