this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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