At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
