I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
