We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
