I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
