i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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