You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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