I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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