At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
