Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
