life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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