new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
