you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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