I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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