It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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