Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
