they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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