a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
