I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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