Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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